I'm tougher than this. And more drugged too.

This hit me like a bolt of lightning this evening, but unfortunate planning means I'm not writing it until after I took the meds and Irish liquer. Anway.

I lost myself these last few years. Forgot who I was when I left the States to come up. How tough I was. How tough I am. I beat repeated sexual assualts as a child. I beat parents who raised me to be their private possession, indoctrinated that no one would want me, for me not to want anyone and that that was not what I was born for anyway. I was theirs. Always. I beat poverty and homelessness and mental depression. I fought my way back from the outer edges and the dead ends, and I worked my ass off to see myself as whole and worthwhile and bright and a winner. I put myself through two of the finest universities in the country; one of them among the finest universities in the world. With honors and awards. I created my life. My life, and I was successful in all of the ways that mattered to me.

I've lost a lot of that, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let that go on. I'm more than this disease. I am more than these circumstances. I have a shit load of barriers to overcome, but fuck it all if I don't try. Damn me if I don't try.

Thank you

Thank you all very much for your support. You're a wonderful collection of human beings.

We were going to have Finn autopsied to confirm the M.worm diagnosis, but that's not going to happen. The vets really don't believe it was a parasite for any number of reasons, but the most compelling is that the required time span from infection to the types of symptoms he was showing turned out to be longer than poor little Finn's actual lifespan. They'd still be willing to do the autopsy, but we'd either have to decapitate him and bring them his head, or they'd decapitate him on site and give us back his body. We just couldn't do either of those things for something that is more to quell our curiosity than anything else. We just couldn't. We'll bring the body into our local vet hospital and they'll cremate him for us since the ground is frozen solid and will be for several more months.

Dar brought the towel that Finn had been wrapped in out to the barn so Gertie and the rest of the herd could mourn. She said they all gathered around Gertie, and when she was getting ready to come back to the house Gertie was kushed with the towel. How fucking sad is that?

We have several more pregnant dams out there: Delilah, Satine, and Conchita. We were thinking that Delilah would be first - probably in mid March - but Dar said Satine is acting like she's going into labor. Sigh. It's bitterly cold out there, Satine. Hold it together for six weeks more. You can do it!

He didn't make it

Finn died overnight. I know he was just an alpaca, but he fought so hard.

Oh the tintinnabulation of my ears, ears, ears

I was awakened at 1:15AM by a loud, LOUD buzzing in my right ear. Sigh. I went to check on Finn. He's not doing that well; it looks like his breathing is more labored. I'd given him a bowl of water before I went to bed, then filled it again. It was empty when I went out there. I gave him some of his formula, but when I was done he was panting. Alpacas don't pant. So I didn't force him to take any more. I just want to be able to cure him or let him go. I hate to see him in distress.

I need to distract myself since worrying and now the buzzing aren't letting me sleep. A simple meme by way of both dfwall02453 and windrider67:

( meme )