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I called the office a little while ago to 1)find out about that referral to a rheumatologist and 2) check on the blood test results.
1. Still working on that referral; you'll have to be patient. Uh. No. Patience not so much my strong suit.
2. The anti-ENA is back and it's negative. Said in a smug voice.
All righty then! Obviously I'm a case for the shrink because I'm imagining all of this. Or maybe, just maybe, bear with me now, you didn't order the complete run of tests that are called for.
Here you go. Follow this simple algorithm. My ANA titre showed both speckled and homogeneous patterns. (And by the way, the homogeneous pattern, unlike the speckled points to an active disease.) But did you order the test for that antibody? Why, no. No, you did not. And why would that be? Because . . . and here I have to stop because I'm so pissed that my brain might explode.
I swear to God. I'm going to a walk-in clinic with a copy of my results so far and get one of them to order the fucking anti-sDNA test for me. And then I'm taking it to the States and getting my own fucking rheumatologist. And I realize that I can't really do that last thing, but God I wish I could win the lottery and then we'd see how things would change! I hate this. I hate my life being held hostage (overly dramatic, sorry) to the whims, the incompetency, the numbingly bureaucratic mindset of others.
Moving on. The repair guy should be showing up in a little bit to take the John Deere away for repair. Or replacement. We'll have to wait and see. Meanwhile, the brush is winning the war over who claims the land back there. I was going to give the bush hog its inaugural run today, but it's already hot and very sunny, and either is a sure fire way to have me sick as a dog in no time thanks to this whatever the hell it is I'm carrying around.
This is, in case you haven't figured it out, terribly frustrating for me. I'm trying to keep things in perspective, but it's a skill I'm still learning. Maybe the purpose of all of this is to help me get a new approach to life. I don't buy into the "everything happens for a purpose" philosophy, but I do believe that everything that happens brings with it challenges or opportunities, depending on how you think of it, for dealing with the new reality.
I have an over-developed sense of responsibility. Dar mistakes it for control issues; while that is certainly one of my personal quirks, I don't agree with her in this case. I'm deeply concerned with making things right. I don't want to beat back the overgrowth in the yard because it's a "them vs. me" thing, but because I want the alpacas to be OK. I want to get rid of the milkweed and the other noxious or annoying flora that they're having to deal with. I feel that kind of hyper responsibility towards the cats, too. None of the animals came to us of their own will; we brought them into this environment, therefore we have a responsibility to see to their welfare. Their total welfare. And I'm not saying that we're not doing that, but I get anxious about not doing it well enough. Because they can't do it for themselves. Is any of this making sense to any of you?
To bring this monologue back full circle, it's frustrating for me because now I'm not able to do all of the things that I want to do to meet those (self-imposed) responibilities. I don't have the energy; I don't have the focus. How do I deal with that? That's what I have to learn. And maybe it's that challenge/opportunity that is presented to me now.
This is where I find religion a help. (Didn't see that one coming, did you *g*) I'm most drawn to Judaism and Buddhism and Unitarianism (which incorporates both), because at base they're more philosophy than dogma. They each concentrate on one's right relationship with the world. It's no surprise to me that many Jews are also Buddhists and that many Unitarians also practice aspects of both religions. I don't know as much about Buddhism as I do Judaism - and I'm hardly a scholar on that point, either, even having studied it at Divinity School and more individual studying toward my conversion. There's a lot of nuance that I'm missing, I know. But there's a simplicity to both, as well. And I think that's what I'm missing at my core: simplicity. I see duality everywhere in everything. It can get very tiring :) I need to see the whole instead of the parts, learn how to accept and work with the whole. And maybe that's what this is going to end up being about.
But until that day (if it ever comes), I'm still dealing with the parts. So I'm off to nail down the part that is that missing blood test. Oy.
1. Still working on that referral; you'll have to be patient. Uh. No. Patience not so much my strong suit.
2. The anti-ENA is back and it's negative. Said in a smug voice.
All righty then! Obviously I'm a case for the shrink because I'm imagining all of this. Or maybe, just maybe, bear with me now, you didn't order the complete run of tests that are called for.
Here you go. Follow this simple algorithm. My ANA titre showed both speckled and homogeneous patterns. (And by the way, the homogeneous pattern, unlike the speckled points to an active disease.) But did you order the test for that antibody? Why, no. No, you did not. And why would that be? Because . . . and here I have to stop because I'm so pissed that my brain might explode.
I swear to God. I'm going to a walk-in clinic with a copy of my results so far and get one of them to order the fucking anti-sDNA test for me. And then I'm taking it to the States and getting my own fucking rheumatologist. And I realize that I can't really do that last thing, but God I wish I could win the lottery and then we'd see how things would change! I hate this. I hate my life being held hostage (overly dramatic, sorry) to the whims, the incompetency, the numbingly bureaucratic mindset of others.
Moving on. The repair guy should be showing up in a little bit to take the John Deere away for repair. Or replacement. We'll have to wait and see. Meanwhile, the brush is winning the war over who claims the land back there. I was going to give the bush hog its inaugural run today, but it's already hot and very sunny, and either is a sure fire way to have me sick as a dog in no time thanks to this whatever the hell it is I'm carrying around.
This is, in case you haven't figured it out, terribly frustrating for me. I'm trying to keep things in perspective, but it's a skill I'm still learning. Maybe the purpose of all of this is to help me get a new approach to life. I don't buy into the "everything happens for a purpose" philosophy, but I do believe that everything that happens brings with it challenges or opportunities, depending on how you think of it, for dealing with the new reality.
I have an over-developed sense of responsibility. Dar mistakes it for control issues; while that is certainly one of my personal quirks, I don't agree with her in this case. I'm deeply concerned with making things right. I don't want to beat back the overgrowth in the yard because it's a "them vs. me" thing, but because I want the alpacas to be OK. I want to get rid of the milkweed and the other noxious or annoying flora that they're having to deal with. I feel that kind of hyper responsibility towards the cats, too. None of the animals came to us of their own will; we brought them into this environment, therefore we have a responsibility to see to their welfare. Their total welfare. And I'm not saying that we're not doing that, but I get anxious about not doing it well enough. Because they can't do it for themselves. Is any of this making sense to any of you?
To bring this monologue back full circle, it's frustrating for me because now I'm not able to do all of the things that I want to do to meet those (self-imposed) responibilities. I don't have the energy; I don't have the focus. How do I deal with that? That's what I have to learn. And maybe it's that challenge/opportunity that is presented to me now.
This is where I find religion a help. (Didn't see that one coming, did you *g*) I'm most drawn to Judaism and Buddhism and Unitarianism (which incorporates both), because at base they're more philosophy than dogma. They each concentrate on one's right relationship with the world. It's no surprise to me that many Jews are also Buddhists and that many Unitarians also practice aspects of both religions. I don't know as much about Buddhism as I do Judaism - and I'm hardly a scholar on that point, either, even having studied it at Divinity School and more individual studying toward my conversion. There's a lot of nuance that I'm missing, I know. But there's a simplicity to both, as well. And I think that's what I'm missing at my core: simplicity. I see duality everywhere in everything. It can get very tiring :) I need to see the whole instead of the parts, learn how to accept and work with the whole. And maybe that's what this is going to end up being about.
But until that day (if it ever comes), I'm still dealing with the parts. So I'm off to nail down the part that is that missing blood test. Oy.
